The first word of the First Step illustrates an important concept in Al-Anon recocery: We are not alone.
–Paths to Recovery – Step One – p.7
Before I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting, I felt completely alone. My life was out of control and I felt hopeless. A friend recommended the program to me and it took me several months to attend a meeting because, since I wasn’t dealing with an active drinker, I assumed that the program wasn’t for me.
When I finally decided to go to a meeting, I was nervous. I didn’t know what to expect and was afraid of being judged. I started having a panic attack during that first meeting because I knew I didn’t belong once the third tradition was read. “… The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.” I thought for sure that the people sitting around me would know that I didn’t belong and I was just waiting for someone to yell at me for sitting there listening to their personal stories.
So, I spoke up. I decided to let them know that I knew I shouldn’t be there and apologize to them.
“Hi, I’m Renee. You’ll have to excuse my shaky voice and weird breathing. I’m having a panic attack. I just wanted to say that I think you all seem like really great people, but I don’t think I should be sitting here listening to you all share your stories. You see, there isn’t a problem of alcoholism in my family. My dad quit drinking years ago. Even when he did drink, it was never a problem. In fact, he was in a better mood back then.
“A friend recommended Al-Anon to me because he said the tools in this program could help me deal with past trauma. I could sit here and tell you about my abusive childhood or my abusive marriage, but there’s probably another group I need to find for that.”
I know I said a bit more, but I can’t remember it all. What I do remember is the outpouring of support I received after my panicked share. For the rest of the meeting, I learned about different behaviors of alcoholics, I learned about dry drunks and I learned about how an alcoholic can pass traumas and learned behaviors down over generations.
By the time I left that night, I felt like there were actually people out there that might understand how I felt. I left with a phone number and an Al-Anon book. But, most importantly, I left feeling like I might not be alone after all.
