We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.Step One
Do you recall anyone drinking or taking drugs or being involved in some other behavior that you now believe could be dysfunctional?
Yes.
I would say that all of the adults in my family were dysfunctional while I was growing up. There are way too many examples to list here.
As for drugs, my mom did cocaine while I was a baby. I don’t know what age I was when she stopped.
My dad pretty much did it all in the beginning, but for most of my childhood he would drink alcohol and smoke marijuana. He quit drinking when I was in high school, but continues to get high daily.
Did you avoid bringing friends to your home because of drinking or some other dysfunctional behavior in the home?
I didn’t have a lot of friends when I was young. When I did start making friends, I’d have them over and I didn’t have any problems at first.
When I was in middle school, I remember that I was having a sleepover party for my birthday. I was very excited because a whole group of girls were coming to stay the night. At one point, we were all sitting around watching tv in our pajamas and my dad made a comment about how one of the girl’s breast size seemed really big for a middle school girl. I was mortified. My friends were all immediately uncomfortable and most of them called their parents to come get them. I stopped having girls over after that.
Did one of your parents make excuses for the other parent's drinking or other behaviors?
Absolutely. Mom would defend Dad by saying things like: “He didn’t mean it like that” or “He was just kidding.” Eventually, my sister and I started to do the same thing.
Did your parents focus on each other so much that they seemed to ignore you?
No, they didn’t focus on each other. My mom was much more focused on herself. I’d definitely say that she ignored me. But my dad never did. He was focused on the whole family and made sure we were always doing everything “right.”
Did your parents or relatives argue constantly?
No. Everyone knew that Dad was always right. If Mom had a problem and brought it up to Dad, he’d either be upset with her for not handling the situation or realize that Mom was too “dumb” to handle the problem and he’d just take care of it. If the problem was me or my sister, then we got in trouble for not doing whatever mom wanted. The rule in the family was basically just to do whatever it took not to upset Dad.
Were you drawn into arguments or disagreements and asked to choose sides with one parent or relative against another?
Yes, but in secret. If there was an argument or disagreement in front of Dad, you just listened to him and did whatever he said. But, there were many times that my mom would come to me later and want to talk about it. She’d cry about how hurt she was that he didn’t listen to her. She’d want me to take her side and agree with her that Dad was wrong.
Did you try to protect your brothers or sisters against drinking or other behavior in the family?
Once. I remember when we were really little I stuck up for my sister and took the blame for something she did. I remember feeling that the punishment was really unfair. I think I was 5 years old. My sister would have been 3.
I don’t think it’s that I stopped sticking up for her because of the punishment. It was because my sister was the favorite – the perfect child. She never really got in trouble for anything when we were growing up.
For example, when we were teenagers, I caught her driving drunk. I was worried about her, so I told my dad. He “had a talk” with her about the importance of keeping breath mints in her car. I know that if it had been me that was caught drunk driving there would have been hell to pay.
As an adult, do you feel immature? Do you feel like you are a child inside?
Yes and Yes.
It is hard for me to admit this, but I don’t feel like I “adult” very well. I don’t eat healthy, I eat things that make me happy. I don’t have a regular sleeping pattern, I watch tv all night and go to sleep when I feel tired. My dishes pile up in the sink before they get washed and my laundry gets done when I’m out of clean clothes.
I hate this about myself. My parents always said I was immature and irresponsible and I’m proving them right. Please don’t tell them I said that.
As an adult, do you believe you are treated like a child when you interact with your parents? Are you continuing to live out a childhood role with the parents?
YES! I hide my imperfections (see above) from them, but they still treat me like I am a kid who doesn’t know anything. They treat me like everything I do is wrong and question every aspect of my life. They also treat my kids the same way. My ex-husband tells them everything that the kids do wrong and my parents will call the kids to yell at them.
Do you believe that it is your responsibility to take care of your parents' feelings or worries? Do other relatives look to you to solve their problems?
I used to believe that. Growing up, if Mom was upset, Dad would ask me to “go make her feel better.” If I ever upset anyone in the family, nothing was ever forgiven until I gave a “proper” apology.
Once, in high school, my sister and I got into a big argument. Honestly, I didn’t think it was a big deal, but she blew it out of proportion. She packed a bag and stayed with my aunt for a week. My parents insisted that I make a big apology to my sister, my aunt, and them so that everyone knew I was sorry for upsetting my sister (by the way, she started it). The apology wasn’t enough. My sister insisted that my parents buy her a puppy before she would move back home. Spoiler: Guess who ended up taking care of the new puppy?
Everyone still calls me when they feel like there is a problem in the family. My sister will call if my parents feel like I did or said something wrong. She’ll tell me I need to go over and apologize. My dad will call if my mom or my sister is upset about anything. And my mom calls when she feels hurt by my dad. It’s the only time she calls.
I’ve stopped answering the phone.
Do you fear authority figures and angry people?
Yes and yes.
Growing up, I would hunch over my desk at school just so that a teacher would never accuse me of trying to look at someone else’s work.
Driving, I will go the exact speed limit if there is a police officer on the road.
In restaurants, I feel like I have to be extra nice to a waiter/waitress if their manager is watching just so that the manager sees their employee is treating me well.
If I am around someone who is angry, I get very uncomfortable. I try not to speak. I try to avoid being seen. I will do whatever I can not to be the attention of an angry person.
If someone is yelling, I will run or cower.
Do you constantly seek approval or praise but have difficulty accepting a compliment when one comes your way?
I really want to say that I don’t constantly seek approval or praise. I mean, that would make me look bad, right? But yeah, I think I have many approval-seeking behaviors.
In school, I would be the one to raise my hand and answer questions because I wanted the teacher to be happy with my work.
At home, I would make a point to show my parents anything I did that I thought would make them proud: my good grades, my clean room, honors or awards, etc.
When people ask about my work, I point out areas where I feel respected. Sentences like “I was once asked to give a lecture on…” is probably me saying “Look how smart I am about this topic” or “Look at how this organization respected my opinion.”
BUT, it is really hard for me to accept praise. ESPECIALLY in areas where I have low self-esteem. When someone gives me a compliment that goes against what I believe about myself (aka: I’m fat, I’m ugly, I’m lazy, I’m worthless, I’m hopeless, etc), I try to “hide” from the compliment. I’ll blush and look away, I’ll change the subject, I’ll roll my eyes.
Do you see most forms of criticism as a personal attack?
Five years ago, my answer would have been, yeah, aren’t they?
For everyone in my family, criticism from them was a personal attack. But, they believed the worst of me anyway, right?
Since then, I’ve experienced healthy criticism. For example, at work, I can hear someone say, “This would look better if you did… ” I enjoy healthy criticism because I feel like I can learn and become better from it.
I’ve noticed that I take criticism personally based on the way it is said. Sentences starting with “You are,” “You need to,” “You can’t” or “You aren’t” sound more like personal attacks. When it’s presented as a helpful suggestion, I take it much better.
Also, I react differently based on the type of criticism. If someone criticizes something about me that is personal, like my behavior or my personality, I take it as a personal attack.
Do you overcommit yourself and then feel angry when others do not appreciate what you do?
Yes. I don’t think angry is the correct feeling, but yeah. I’ve overcommitted a lot in the past and have often felt underappreciated. I have always tended to say yes when asked to do something because I want to please everyone.
Do you think you are responsible for the way another person feels or behaves?
Yes. If someone is angry, I wonder what I did to upset them. If someone is sad, I feel the need to make them happy. If someone is behaving in an unacceptable manner, I feel like it is my responsibility to help them.
Do you have difficulty identifying feelings?
Yes
Do you focus outside yourself for love or security?
Yes
Do you involve yourself in the problems of others?
Yes. I allow myself to get sucked into all kinds of issues. It will start with someone telling me about their problem and turn into me doing what I can to help out.
Do you feel more alive when there is a crisis?
Absolutely. I didn’t realize this until after my divorce, when I had time to sit in the quiet for a while and I kept wondering what was wrong… something was off. Then a crisis came up with my parents and things seemed “right” again.
Do you equate sex with intimacy?
Probably
Do you confuse love and pity?
Yes. This is especially true in relationships. If I pity someone, then I can fix them by loving them. I often find that if I pity someone, it is because they make me feel like we have something in common. I love more easily when I feel like a person understands what I’ve been through.
Have you found yourself in a relationship with a compulsive or dangerous person and wonder how you go there?
Yes. I’ve never had a relationship with someone who was emotionally healthy. I feel like I’m a magnet for dysfunction.
Do you judge yourself without mercy and guess at what is normal?
Yes. I judge everything I do. I rarely complement myself, but I berate myself for every little thing I do wrong. And yes, I have to guess at what is normal. I’ve found myself asking people that I trust if something is normal.
Do you behave one way in public and another way at home?
Yes. This was especially true when I lived with my parents or my ex-husband. At work, I’d have to be personable and outgoing (which was hard for me). At home, I’d keep to myself and behave in any way that kept attention away from me
Do you think your parents had a problem with drinking or taking drugs?
I never used to think it was a problem. I still don’t know if it was. I’ve learned that I don’t need to put the “alcoholic” label on my dad to know that he was a dysfunctional parent.
Do you think you were affected by the drinking or other dysfunctional behavior of your parents or family?
I was absolutely affected by the dysfunctional behavior of my parents and the other adults in my life.
Note: These questions are taken from the ACA Fellowship Text (The Big Red Book): Adult Children of Alcoholics / Dysfunctional Families. This blog is used as my personal online journal during my recovery. I also believe that sharing our journeys can bring experience, strength, and hope to others. Hopefully, someone can find something here to help them on their own path.
This is in no way a blog to meant to take the place of any program or book. I encourage you to purchase the books to read more than just the questions I list above.
